Day 7

It just dawned on me that all of this might sound crazy to some of you. As a counter-argument, I would like to say that I never believed in any of those things either. The world doesn't need you to believe in order to exist.

I guess that is something I’ve come to appreciate in the last few years. It has given me comfort how some things just really don't seem to matter in the bigger picture. Mistakes that once seemed life-changing had no real consequences at all.

The biggest battles I had to fight were in my head. In that sense, I am really my own worst enemy. I love overthinking things. A traveler once gave me a riddle that took me days to decipher. When I finally told him the answer he told me that not only was I wrong but that a five-year-old boy had solved his riddle within minutes just the day before. Sometimes the simple answer is the right one.

Sometimes you just have to go with the flow and see what happens, that's what my boyfriend used to say. He always so cared free, sitting at the edge of the lake, water dripping down from his hair onto his chest.  And then he would just look at me and smile with the biggest brightest smile you'd ever seen. The world can be so perfect sometimes, but those moments never last long.

The secret place where we would meet was turned into a place of misery and despair. The lake was turned red with the blood of innocents. The years that followed were hard. The choices we had to make were weighing us down. I didn't want him to worry and that made him worry even more.

Boyd and I talked about this for hours the other day. I’d never even told him that I'd been in love on the other side, let alone that it was a man. He didn't really seem surprised though. There is this kind of unspoken trust. He is like a grandson to me.

Writing all of this down has been oddly therapeutic, even if I don't really know if it's healthy. I guess in the end that doesn't really matter, does it? It’s time for me to get some sleep and then tomorrow another post. Good night everybody and sweet dreams!

Day 6

We connected on a level that I didn’t think possible. We met during the war while taking shelter from a storm that was sweeping the country. He melted my ice cold heart and made me see that it is still good in the world. He was so full of joy and live, even if he was carrying demons of his own. He taught me that nothing in life is perfect, but that it’s possible to truly enjoy life regardless. I can't help but have a big stupid grin on my face as I'm writing this. Even after his death, he can still make me smile.

I often wonder about death, but I guess that comes with the age. I don't know what happens after we die and I'm not sure that really matters. Going to another world, disappearing from reality as I did, is probably not all that different from dying. So, I’ve died twice already and started a new life both times.

The other day Boyd asked me that if I had a chance to go back to the other world, would I take it?  I really had to sit down and think about that for a while. During the war, I wanted nothing else than a return to earth, but I never could. After the war, when peace and order were restored, it really wasn't a bad place to live. No more than earth anyway.

It has the same kind of contradictions, the unwritten rules that keep everything together. It’s a whole lot prettier though. But would I want to go back there? There is nobody waiting for me on the other side. Sophia has most likely moved on and all the others are either dead or forgotten. At least here I have Boyd to keep me company. I guess he is one of the reasons why I started writing down all of my thoughts.

The other day he asked me if I ever had to kill anyone. That question kinda scared me. I didn't want him to look at me differently, but I also knew I had to tell him the truth. During the war, I did unspeakable things. I was labeled a traitor and rightfully so. Of course, it was all under the guise of survival, but I have so much blood on my hands. Now I live in another world where nobody knows what I’ve done. Do my crimes still matter here? At least their cold eyes no longer keep me awake at night.

Speaking of dreams, those are yet another unsolved mystery. I vividly remember dreaming of earth back when I was on the other side. So perhaps dreams are a way of traveling between worlds so to speak. I don't have any dodgy science to back up that theory, but in the big scheme of things, it makes sense.